This Little Piggy Cried, "Wee, Wee, Wee!" Because His House Is Fuckin Dirty!

There's this show on television called How Clean Is Your House?

It's a British series, but we here in North America are lucky enough to have it broadcast in our neck of the woods so that we can see the pigs that live in their own filth across the pond.

It's one thing to have stacks of stuff taking over your house ... I am prone to having stacks of books or papers take over my desk, but I always try and manage it.

This show? Oh, this show. And the people?! Have you NO shame?

There were stacks alright ... but on top of these stacks? There were things GROWING on top of these stacks! It wasn't so much that you could see a layer of dust when the sun was streaming in through the window ... the layer of dust in these houses was like an inch deep!

There wasn't a free space on the floor. Not one tile was free! I wonder if the owner of the pig pen even remembered what colour they were!! Filth! Unclean!! HOOOOOWWW do you manage to live in such grime and filth and debris and microscopic animals?! Seriously, animals were laying their eggs all over this apartment. His whole apartment was a fucking petri dish!

I don't know how those women even manage to actually attempt to clean up those houses. Seriously if that were me, I'd pour gasoline on every square inch and just torch it. Start at the beginning! Gut it by way of fire.

If that doesn't kill all those pesky ass germs and disinfect the place, then I don't know what would.

Hooray For Holidays!

This, my day of rest, will include:

1) Bake cookies for my friend's 1 year memorial dinner/mass tomorrow evening.

2) Finish the Betty & Veronica Double Digest #160 (in which Cheryl Blossom - that skank - dons the cover) that I caved and purchased last week.

3) Hunker down and work out my monthly budget so I'll know exactly what I have to play with (i.e. spend senselessly on more books).

4) Colour my hair dark brown aka "espresso on the double" to get rid of the highlights the sun has so generously given me.

5) BOOTCAMP!!

6) Apparently blog about what I will do today. Me = Geek.

7) Watch The Kite Runner.

8) Shred more stuff aka old bills that I have come across from as far back as 2003. WTF!

9) Watch some fireworks in awe celebration of Queen Victoria's birthday.

Happy Day Off From Work, my fellow Canadians!

Something For The Ladies

I often think of my life in terms of Sex and the City. Instead of the thought, "what would Jesus do?" running through my head, I think more along the lines of, "what would Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte/Samantha do?"

I love that show with all my heart. I have watched those DVD's so often, that I had to give them to my friend to keep for awhile as I was becoming a bit obsessed with my nightly SATC romp. It's one of those series that I just never get tired of and never stop relating to.

Though my life is so vastly different than their lives (I can play the just barely making my monthly payments card as well as Carrie does except I'm not traipsing around town dripping with designer outfits right down to her Calvin Klein panties - although I do have that little problem with the handbag situation), I can still relate to them (there was that episode where Samantha worried about her menstru-osity going into submission and feeling old because of it - though I'm not quite there yet, my whole debacle with the white hair definitely made me feel a tad ancient).

And I feel as though I've got a little bit of those four gems in my own personality.

"I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel!"

Let's look at Samantha. Ohhh, where to start with her? Well she is a sexy pervert. I'm just a pervert. The only difference between Samantha and I is the shyness factor. While she will wear her sexuality on her sleeve, I'm more of a save it for when we're behind closed doors kinda gal. You can certainly bet that I would never yell across a room at some random dude in the middle of a yoga class, "wanna fuck?" But I will admit to liking sex as much as she does. And that's ALL I'll admit ...

"I just don't want to be known as the 'up-the-butt' girl."

Ah, Charlotte. Sweet, uptight Charlotte. I have to say that I'm not prissy like she is BUT I am definitely on the same page as her regarding "up the butt." Nothing, but NOTHING will come near my ass. I will never be known as the "up-the-butt" girl. See, Charlotte is funny because she comes across as seeing relationships as sacred, but she definitely has had her fair share of dick. What I do love about Charlotte is her romantic nature. I am definitely a romantic at heart, even though I may come across as otherwise. It's all just an act.

"Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality."

If I had to pick one character that would sum me up the best, it would be Miranda. I love her feisty-ness and her sarcastic wit. She's a cynic who, I think in spite of her tough girl act, really is in love with the idea of love. And I definitely have that quality about me. Yeah, I put up this tough girl front, but when you peel back the layers ... well I have this whole other side of me. I just haven't found my "Steve" yet to help unravel me. AND the girl can multi-task ... I mean who else is able to have phone sex on one line AND give legal advice to a girlfriend at the same time on the other line? I haven't done THAT per say, but I can multi-task to a lesser degree.

"So what are we going to do? Sit around bars, sipping Cosmos and sleeping with strangers when we're eighty?"

C-C-C-Carrie! With her c-c-c-curly hair! My name doesn't start with C (although it can rhyme with Carrie) but I do have c-c-c-curly hair (which is the only physical attribute that I share with her). I definitely don't share her body type as her waist size is probably equivalent to the size of my right thigh. Carrie had a hard time with men. She always seemed to wind up with the unavailable assholes. Hi, my life! Though I don't make a habit of sleeping with strangers (or going back to exes), I do drink Cosmos. In fact, any vodka drink will do. Carrie is cautiously optimistic, which matches my character more than the others. Her love of designer duds doesn't fall short on me ... especially where handbags are concerned. The most important part of her character that shone through was her loyalty to her friends. I mean she still sees them as a unit when they are eighty. If I had to choose one thing about her that I liked the most, it would have to be that.

The movie is out very soon and I can't wait to go watch it with my girlfriends. But not before we have our Cosmopolitan fix.

Hell yeah.

Weekend Blogging Is Risky Business

**cricket chirps all around**

Is anybody out there?

Hello (hello, ello, llo, lo, o, -)!!

The weekend is no place for bloggers. Writing posts is usually reserved for the days of Monday to Friday. But here I am, posting on a Saturday.

I'm such a badass, diverting from the norm.

Truth is, it's kind of fun being in the blogosphere all alone. At least in my little corner, I'm all alone. It's like having the house to yourself. I can do what I want ... say what I want ... and no one will be none the wiser (not until Monday at least).

I can pull a Tom Cruise. Not Tom Cruise jumping all over Oprah's couch because he was so excited that he was banging a 20-something year old, but rather Tom Cruise in Risky Business, slip-sliding in my panties and socks while grind-dancing with a fireplace.

But I won't. Because neither scenario appeals to me. And I'd rather not be associated with any behaviour that resembles that of Tom Cruise. He's weird.

So this past week marks the two month anniversary of when I started Bootcamp. And I have to say that now I can truly see the difference. I'm stronger and have more stamina. I can actually feel the muscles that are being put to work when I move. And people are telling me that my body looks more tight.

I've got two more months left (before I sign up for more sessions in September) and can't wait to see what I look like at the end of that time period. In the meantime, I'm wanting to do yoga, more specifically Moksha Yoga, on Saturday's to, you know, give myself something to do on the weekends. $11 for 90 minute sessions sounds reasonable, yes?

Basically, I want a kick ass body. And I will push myself to every and any limit in order to get it.

This weekend is a long one for me as I have the day off on Monday due to it being Victoria Day. Damn, I love that old hag of a queen for making Monday a no-go-to-work day.

And then the countdown to summer is really on. I've got 28 more work days until I'm off for two glorious months.

Twenty-eight days. Two, eight.

Oh, how I love this part of my job.

Set Adrift On Memory Bliss

I tend not to follow the crowd. I like doing my own thing. I like not being in a "clique". I like that I've got friends from all over. I like that I can pretty much get along with anybody ... so long as they're not a douche bag. I don't do douche bags.


I remember in Grade 5 I had my first real crush. I mean I thought guys were cute and kind of funny before that, but I never really thought about it past that initial stage. It wasn't until I was 10 years old that it hit me: Boys are yum.

I was always a shy little thing when it came to boys (still am), so I was never really forthright with my crushes. In fact, I preferred it if they didn't know. I was the "admire from afar" type of girl.

You know how there was always a boy in your grade that ALL the girls liked? Well that boy was Marco. All the girls loved him. They all wanted to date him (and we all know that dating in grade 5 meant that at recess time, you sat beside each other on the field flanked by your friends while ignoring each other). I mean he was smart, a good artist (yes we noticed things like that), was funny, played sports ... the whole shebang.

Marco had a friend/sidekick named John. John was your typical sidekick ... slightly less cool than Marco, but still cool enough to be his best friend. John was the quieter version of Marco. I mean if it weren't for Marco, we probably wouldn't have known he even existed.

So me being the girl who doesn't like to conform ... I started to crush on John. It was all very innocent. I thought his shyness was so adorable. I loved how he would blush when he smiled. I loved how he wasn't showy ... he was comfortable in his own skin to just kind of stand back and let Marco take in the limelight.

One day, my crush came out. Somehow people started to know. This really bothered me for some reason ... I guess even back then I was somewhat of a private person. Because the whole hormones thing was new to us, when we crushed on people, we were teased to no end, and I was not an exception. It really bothered me that I was being made fun of for liking John! Like what the hell?! I didn't even know what he thought about it ... I'm sure he wasn't too pleased with being flung into the limelight so suddenly.

One day I had this conversation at recess with one of the cool girls.

"EM, don't worry about people bugging you about liking John."

"Yeah, I don't know what the big deal is. So I like him!"

"Exactly. And you know I can see your point. He is kinda cute."

And then a week later, cool girl and John started dating. I don't think I was too bothered by it. I did have my initial "you've got to be FUCKING kidding me" moment, but it was gone. They only lasted for like two weeks until she moved onto another guy in our grade. She was kind of a slut.

Me and John never did hook up. I remember a brief period where he would call my house and we'd talk for like 10 minutes while my brother hovered and wondered out loud, "What the hell does he want with you!" Yeah, just a little over-protective they were. So he probably did like me, but I was just too dense to see it.

I sometimes see John in church. He hasn't changed one bit. Still the same face ... just a grown up version of it.

I wonder if he remembers ...

Dedication. I Haz It.

Today I did something I never thought I'd do. Ever. Ever, ever.

I exercised ... in the rain. I ran ... through puddles. I lain ... on my wet yoga mat.

Basically I'm something of an athlete now. Okay not really. But it's a pleasant thought nonetheless. I'd like to think that any activity in the rain makes people hardcore.

I'm hardcore.

First Crush post coming soon to a blog near you. This blog. I'll shut up now.

A Rant A Day Keeps Something Away

You know what I find funny?

People who feel the need to be in the middle of everything ... in the know ... in everyone's business. They need to know all! I don't know if that makes them feel important or something ... but to me, it just comes across as being insecure.

These are the same people who have to be like BEST FRIENDS with everyone. Or at least act as though they are. Hi, insecure!

But the best ... the BEST ... is when they need OTHER PEOPLE to know that they are in the know! Seriously? Congratulations ... you've got a million acquaintances. Way to go!

Does that make you feel better about yourself?

Speaking of Stupid, I watched The Hills tonight. Don't even ask why. I'm still wondering myself ...

I do have a few insights, however. Ahem.

What's with the people on that show? They all walk around like deer in the headlights. Half the time it seems like they don't know what the fuck is going on. Spencer is seriously a Hobo who manages to own a BMW (but, does he WORK?). Fuckin Heidi talks like she's 14 ("Oh my gawd! That's awesome! Wow! Like I'm so ready!") ... to her BOSS! Lo is a little sneak. Whitney is cool because she's barely on the show ... which means she actually works for a living. Lauren is okay but seems a bit of a pushover who tries to please everyone. The only person I can tolerate on that show is Audrina. She's not a carbon copy blonde ... seriously they all fuckin look like eachother ... can we try and be a bit more original? She's independent and doesn't need to be with her friends 24/7. She's alright.

And that's all I've got to say about that show, because I don't think I can handle the whole high school vibe I get from it. I had enough of that drama in, you know, HIGH SCHOOL.